Fall To My Knees

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The memory of seeing an itty-bitty heart beating at 6 weeks of life and then basically a lifeless blob with no heart fluttering two weeks later still haunts me even though it’s been almost 2 and a half years since that tragedy. The pain, the guilt, and the mourning of that miscarriage makes me want to fall to my knees and cry my eyes out, especially when something randomly triggers me to think about that baby.

I write/talk about my miscarriage a lot because it knocked me out, it was quite the blow but I survived, kinda, well yes, I’m in some sort of recovery I suppose. And it’s therapeutic for me to share what I went through, am going through, and how I will continue on.

Every now and then a song, a picture, a name, a word, a friend’s kid who would have been my miscarried baby’s age, reminds me of that miscarried baby.

Tonight as I was rocking my rainbow 9 month old baby to sleep, I played Pandora on my phone and used my Lifehouse station to help put baby to sleep. This song called “Run” by Snow Patrol played. I love this song, I like the sound and music by Leona Lewis’s version better though. This song reminds me so much of the pain during and after my miscarriage. Maybe because of lyrics like this,

“Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear”

I wish the miscarried baby could hear my voice, I wish I could be by that baby’s side. As I keep rocking the sweet living 9 month old baby in my arms that was born after, I wept and wept silently but hysterically while this beautiful song played. I thought about how much I love my living baby and her older living sister, and how much I wish I could actually love my dead child. I wish I could picture all my 3 children interacting, eating at the table, laughing and playing together. But I cry more tears as well since I know at least two of them are alive today to do so.

The next part of this beautiful song that tends to make me want to drop down on my knees, bawl hard and sob loudly is this,

“To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do”

(Lyrics to the full song here.)

I feel like this whole lyrical sentence above ^ can be applied to anyone living or dead that you care about, it’s just so good, just beautiful. And of course hearing this part of the song sinks me deep into thinking about my lost baby… to the time where I thought it died it March 2015 and had some sort of burial goodbye, to the time I realized it didn’t actually leave my body 3 months later till June 2015. A Lot of dark memories there. Once this lovely song is over I am usually done crying and go about whatever it is I was doing prior.

I’ve written about my miscarriage pain throughout the last 2 and a half years. I am not sure I’ve ever expressed the guilt part of it though. And if I have great, but if not, this is where I want to elaborate.

Guilt, I read that when someone goes through a miscarriage they blame themselves. They think they shouldn’t have done this or done that, or should have been more careful with what they ate or how they sat… etc.. And  yet I’ve read and heard numerous times there is absolutely nothing I, nor, anyone could have done to prevent a miscarriage, so why doesn’t this info just doesn’t sink in? Maybe because I just don’t believe there wasn’t anything I could do.

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I will always wonder if I shouldn’t have gone out to a book party the day I saw the heartbeat or given into my ramen noodle cravings. I can’t stop asking myself why didn’t I take the progesterone pill every day, why did I listen to my doctor about not using it, why didn’t I listen to my naturopath who said it could help, why didn’t I take better care of myself, why did I let myself get so happy to see that heartbeat??? Then it’s hard not to beat myself more up with thoughts like this, “Maybe God didn’t think we could afford or take care of another child at the time.” Or “I guess God doesn’t think I am good mother.”

The beatings of my thoughts, my guilt, eats away at me all the time. My successful pregnancy last year was so consumed on making sure I didn’t strain my body too much, or get my hopes up too much if the pregnancy failed because I was so afraid to lose another baby. I had a hard time trusting that pregnancy would go well that I apologized to my rainbow baby immediately after she was born, and just kissed, held, and loved her so much. I think I still apologize to her once in awhile for being so terrified to connect to her during utero just in case she didn’t make it.

I don’t care if you never got to see your miscarried baby’s heartbeat, going through a miscarriage is ugly, heartbreaking and rough! You get your hopes up with that positive pregnancy test, and you can’t stop thinking about the what ifs.  The pain and guilt lingers.

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Some are lucky to move and have lots more children after a miscarriage, but everyone I’ve talked to who has done so, never forgets that one baby who almost lived. The good news is, I think if you get to watch your living child/children grow up, the guilt part fades. That’s what I am hoping for anyway! I am thankful for two beautiful living miracles that I get to see, hug, hold, and love every single day, and we miss the angel baby that never came to be.

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Notes:

*Rainbow baby means a baby born after miscarriage, still birth or infant loss.

*I am a Christian and I believe and hope that maybe God has called me to write about this so I can help others and myself who’ve gone through this kind of pain and guilt. I want all of us hurting deeply to know we’re not alone. God got me through a lot of this pain and I believe is helping me through it still.

* Because I love the song Run so much I decided to add the lyrics here:

Snow Patrol Lyrics

 “Run”

I’ll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You’ve been the only thing that’s right
In all I’ve doneAnd I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don’t have time for that
All I want’s to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/snowpatrol/run.html

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