The long miscarriage I endured last year is a permanent nasty scar. The pain it caused is always there and still lingers in the back of my mind.
The joyful memory I have of seeing a 6 week old heartbeat last year is so clear, but the frightening memory of seeing no heartbeat two weeks later is even clearer, a never ending nightmare. The scar may fade a little but I still feel it and see it, even when I don’t want to. I go on about my day but then there are all sorts of triggers that bring back the horrible miscarried hurt and thoughts.
A few days ago I was reading the news and there was an article of a celebrity talking about her recent lost. Or last week at a family get-together I was talking to my cousin’s wife who’s been trying to conceive and she opened up about her miscarriage a few months ago. In June, at a far away camp at least 6-8 women told me about their miscarriage(s). My scar is always there, and it doesn’t matter if I go on to have more children, it will always be as agonizing as it was from day one. This is just a little taste on what can happen to someone mentally on a daily basis who lost an angel baby.
Now that I have been blessed again to carry a new baby girl a lot further (24 weeks and 2 days along), I am part of a group of women who share the same due month as I. We post about symptoms, remedies, advice, etc and we share bump and ultrasound pictures. One gal miscarried at 7 weeks a few months ago and stayed in our group. She has been blessed again and shared she read something about the shape of the baby early on around 5-6 weeks only via ultrasound can supposedly determine whether you’re going to have a girl or boy.
It was said that if the sac was oval it could mean girl, but if the sac looked more like a jelly bean it could mean boy.
I took out the one and only sonogram picture of my miscarried baby last year and at 6 weeks when it had a heartbeat, the sac looked like a jelly bean! And since I had my first daughter in 2014, I cried my eyes out because I truly believe that I lost my little boy in March 2015.
Obviously, I’ll never know for sure if I lost a boy/girl due to a wife-tale but even it was another girl that we lost I’d still be happy I was blessed with it. Finding and looking at last year’s ultrasound picture of course brought back all the memories and pain of the scar I spoke about earlier. I think it took me a few hours to stop crying about my little angel baby Ashes.
After a year and 4 months of losing that baby I finally found a name for it that I feel suites it well. I always wanted to name the angel baby something I wouldn’t use for any of our living children but couldn’t think of anything until today. When I looked up the meaning of the name Ashes, Google brought me to a site that said it meant happy! And being blessed with Ashes last year made my husband and I extremely happy even though it was only alive and inside me for 8 weeks. I guess baby Ashes is always with me even though I never got to meet it.
I am grateful that I am 6 months plus one day pregnant with baby #3, feeling her move a little inside me, and having my husband feel her move for the first time a few days ago is truly comforting, the best thing ever! These happy little moments are also joyous scars that I will never forget!
My miracle baby is my daughter who is 2 and a half. She is my world, I am deeply thankful to be blessed with such an incredible and one of a kind child! I don’t mention her a lot when I talk about miscarriages. She is also what helps me get through being sad about my experience and I want to have this noted just in case anyone wants to say something dumb/stupid about how I should just focus on her to move on. Trust me, I focus on her daily, she’s never neglected and forever loved and wanted!