MY HEART STILL HURTS

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Today, I had a friend over for a short hourly chat. She used to take care of my daughter a year ago. She watched my child for 2 hours 4 days a week for almost a year since my toddler was 6 weeks old. We were beyond thankful her schedule allowed her to watch our daughter. I am very grateful that I can still keep in touch with this sitter (also a family member’s childhood friend) even though it’s almost been a year since we last spoke.

I gave my friend a tour of my new home. My daughter was being her silly self as always and was quite entertaining. She’s very good around strangers, and even though she doesn’t remember this particular babysitter she had no problem letting her hold her and hug her. My friend married summer 2015 and I didn’t attend the wedding.

After giving a tour of my new home, I sat on the downstairs couch with my friend and I asked how married life was, and I was happy to hear that it’s going extremely well for her.

While we sat on my downstairs couch, I explained to her as fast as I could about my whole misdiagnosed miscarriage experience and how it had only been two weeks before her wedding since I had my D&C procedure done. I explained that I was not emotionally ready to see a lot of people that day of her wedding and talk about what I had just recently went through without being a wreck.

Even though I tried to tell the story fast to avoid tears and pain, my stupid emotions got the best of me and I couldn’t stop crying when I told her all about the never ending miscarriage story.

I tried to express that I really wanted to go to her wedding. I apologized for crying and told her I didn’t think I would cry telling her about this. She understood and was sorry that I went through all that and said that I can go on to my husband’s Facebook (she knows mine is currently deactivated and is friends with my hubby) and look at all her wedding pictures.

I am glad that my former babysitter and current friend now knows the real reason why I couldn’t attend her wedding and how great she was for understanding.

Before my friend left we made plans to have her and her husband over a week from today for dinner. I think I will probably make my famous Spanish rice and beef enchiladas for this occasion. My husband says everyone loves my Spanish cooking.

It’s been almost 8 months now since my D&C procedure and I didn’t think telling the whole never ending miscarriage story for the first time to someone I knew would still cause me to burst out in uncontrollable tears, oh goodness my own crying makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I needed to cry about it again.

I think God had me cry today in front of a friend so that I could come to the realization that I will not be able to erase the painful memory of our 2nd incomplete pregnancy. It still deeply hurts, and I am pretty sure God has given me the OK to still cry over it alone or around people.

I think over time I will be able to tell a random person/stranger or friend about what I went through without the emotional breakdown, but if not, then that’s OK because I know I have God’s comfort.

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