Letting Go isn’t easy, it’s freeing.

Picture from here.

I thought I was going to have the will to make a post on 11/2/15, which was our baby # 2’s due date. I’d do anything to get the chance to tell my tiny 6 week old baby who had a heartbeat on 3/12/15 seen via ultrasound (how I wish I had asked for a recording) how much love and joy we had for it when I found out it was growing inside.

Today is 11/22/15, and I get angrier than I should and really bitter about how I don’t have this baby that was supposed to be here by now. I know the anger feelings I get when I think about the lost we suffered 9 months ago, and not having that baby or not being pregnant as each month and season go by is something that is still depressingly hard to let go of.

I was sure in July (5 months ago) after I had a cycle post D and C surgery (June 23rd) I’d be capable of being pregnant again. It’s now 6 months later. I was terribly wrong of my assurance. And this is a reminder that God’s in control, not me.

In 2013, I decided to focus on being thankful at all times, especially when I’m drifting towards bitterness. Being thankful helped me not go into real serious depression during my miscarriage this year.

Here is what is good and right in my life today:  I am back at a good weight, I eat foods that makes me feel great, I have such a wonderful loving husband, a super sweet toddler, and great relationships with my family and friends.

Oh, and not to mention after years of living in apartment complexes, we are under contract on buying a house before the end of the year! It has a really big kitchen which excites us the most because I love to cook/bake and come up with recipes. My husband doesn’t cook very much but when he does, he loves it and he’s excited about how much room we’ll have in our new kitchen with all that counter space and two sinks! No more bumping elbows!

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in my church day dreaming if you you will, (you know you do that during church sometimes) I looked around and thought to myself how glad I was most the women here at my church were done having children or were past child bearing years! I thought it was going to be so nice not to see or hear pregnancy news about women in my church because when you suffer from infertility or miscarriages, hearing or knowing about anyone else’s pregnancy news feels like a sucker punch to the face. It hurts because you badly want to be in their shoes, and it’s a constant reminder that their bodies are doing something your broken body isn’t capable of yet or anymore.

Deep down you know growing a family is natural, it’s history, it’s in the bible, it’s a part of life. It’s exciting for them and they have every right to be happy about it, just like you would want others to be happy for you if you were to become pregnant or have another child. And as much as you want to stop the world from having children until you have one or more, it’s not up to you. And it doesn’t matter if you think some people don’t deserve to be parents.  What stops me from thinking like this is knowing all sinful human beings don’t deserve anything.

It breaks my heart that I had to evict a young  toddler’s mother for not paying rent. As a landlord and neighbor, it was obvious this young mother in her early twenties could care less about keeping a roof over her toddler’s head. Having to witness that kills me. As much as I wish a young gal like her would say, “here you go, give my toddler a better life” I have to face reality that  my wishing is unlikely to come true.

Having children is something that most little girls think about when they envision their future. I know I did. I always wanted four kids since I was a child.

I struggled with infertility in 2011, but somehow after failed fertility treatments, tons of supplements, and weight loss, I got a positive pregnancy test June 2013. Other than the power of God, I don’t know what helped us that month because it was my one and only natural cycle that year, and because of it I have my precious toddler who I am continuously thankful for. I have been doing everything I did back in 2013 to try to have a another successful pregnancy, to give our precious child a sibling, and no success yet.

Going back to when I was relieved that I wouldn’t be around super fertile women in my church this year, I quickly realized at the end of October this wasn’t ever going to be possible.

One Sunday at church, Oct, 2015, there were a lot of extended family in town who joined their parents to church. It’s nice to see out of town family members come to our church. BUT… There in front of me was a very nice gal with here cute 3 children right in front of our row. As she turns to grab her youngest one, her tall skinny body revealed her very noticeable baby bump. At the moment all I could think of was, “What the heck! Her 4th! Really?!! Her other 3 are so young why can’t that be me?!!”

That same day standing in a different row is another women who also struggled for 6 years to have her first pregnancy, she is also one of the nicest persons I know. There she was with her 3 children, she just gave birth to the 3rd one the month that I had to go to the hospital to get my dead baby sac out of my body, a.k.a my D and C surgery. After church I said hi briefly to the one pregnant with her 4th because I had to keep tabs on my toddler who wonders off from the playroom to the gym. But I tend to avoid pregnant women in general because it’s too much for me. After I grabbed my toddler we left church. And a few short days later there’s a church announcement about a couple coming to our church in December. This particle couple are near mine and my husband’s age AND… of course you might of guessed it, they’re expecting their second child, which would have been only about a month or so younger than our second baby.

After these recent pregnancy occurrences, I knew I needed to be better at letting go of all the resentment for not being pregnant and not having my second baby with me. And as I kept searching for a place to rent for my friend who is pregnant with her 2nd and due in Dec, I was enjoying the thought of having another young couple in our church!

I also thought how joyful it would be to be able to hold her 2nd baby whenever she allowed, holding babies bring me joy, and if I can’t hold my own newborn since it’s not here, at least I’ll have a chance to hold someone else’s. And with God’s good grace, I found out today our friends will be renting a home really close to where our new house is going to be!

It’s situations like this, when I am feeling justified about being extremely bitter about not being pregnant, God helps me knock down the tall walls I trapped myself in. He helps me with a way out of resentment, a way out of pain, and leads me to a path of comfort.

By defeating the bitterness I had towards pregnant women before and after my miscarriage, I was able to make a new friend. I learned today that we have a lot in common, her husband is already friends with my husband, and we’re both excited to get to know each other more!

God helped me see that by gaining new friends, we would gain new prayers on top of those who are praying and continue to pray for our family to grow.

Thank you, God! You’ve reminded me in the past and especially today how letting go lessens the pain and opens the door to be amazed by your great grace.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.


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